'Clothes are like book covers - the right ones reflect who you are and hint at what you're about, but they can't hide for long what's inside them.'

Take Charlotte Goldman's bra for instance. Quite a little fashion statement to the undiscerning eye. In principle, there's nothing wrong with a depiction of Winnie the Pooh over each nipple area. A strategically placed icon, some might say. A tasteful blend of innocence and haute couture. And yet, look a little closer behind the ursine facade and what do you see? A pair of breasts that would fit better into a couple of corn plasters.

It's all about style, you see. And that only comes from the inside out. It doesn't work the other way round. There's no point in hiding a bad book behind a beautiful cover. Remember that, Charlotte Goldman, the next time I invite you to my mother's health club (if there is a next time) and you spend half an hour preening yourself in front of the changing room's mirror whilst sneering at my white cotton vest tucked into matching pants. But my red high-legged bikini with gold chain straps soon wiped the smirk of your face, as you piled your extensions into your white rubber hat and adjusted the legs of your black polyester swimsuit.

You can't go wrong with red and gold, not when there's something worth looking at inside it. It's the reason my mother chose red and gold for my book cover.